I sat in the waiting room for about and hour. I filled out the necessary form and was currently watching Toy Story for the second time. I toyed with my phone as a slew of thoughts went through my mind. ‘What the hell am I doing here? What if I am pregnant? Am I sick? Do I have cancer?’
I was just getting up to leave when a nurse called me in. She asked me why I was here then gave me a cup to fill. Some moment later after giving her the cup she asks me to come to another room. I panic, she assures me nothing is wrong and that a nurse is going to speak with me for information. The nurse came in and sat down with a chart.
N – ‘So why are you here today?’
ME – ‘I came in for a pregnancy test’
N – How old are you?
ME – 20
N – Are you in school?
ME – Yes
N – Do you work?
ME – Yes
N – Do you want to be pregnant?
ME – No! That’s why I came here.
N – Well, your pregnant.
I stared at her, she stared back. I felt like she was judging me. Obviously this is a mistake, ‘do the test again.’ She assured me that the test are 100%. Like that made me feel better, I asked her once again to do the test. She walked over to a counter top littered with pregnancy tests and paper cups fill with urine. She picked up a dropper and dipped it into a cup with my name on it, then let a drop fall onto a fresh pregnancy test. I watched immediately as the liquid ran through the test leaving behind this glaring plus sign behind. My heart hammered in my chest, I felt my pulse in my ears as tears poured from my eyes. Large body shaking, hiccuping sob erupted from me. Vaguely I hear the nurse prattling off some information as I reach for my cell phone. My hand is shaking so badly I barely manage to unlock my phone and dial my boyfriend’s number. Hearing his voice I cry harder, trying to choke out something to say.
‘Babe, what’s wrong!?’
[Sobbing] ‘I’m pregnant’
[Sigh] ‘What do you wanna do?’
‘I don’t know’
The nurse interrupts my conversation to ask me when my last cycle was. I answer, in return she turns this wheel and tells me that I am approximately 6 weeks along. I just cry harder, she also asks me what I want to do. How the hell should I know? I just found out 5 minutes ago there was a baby in me and now you want to know how I would like to handle the situation? Please
She informs me that I only have a short number of weeks to take the pill that will cause me to miscarry; should I choose that method. Great, not only have I gotten life altering news but I have a deadline to choose if I want to continue on with this pregnancy or end with the lesser of two evils. The nurse brings me to another room where a doctor will see me shortly. Ugh, I have to get a paps-mere too?
The clinic is located inside a tall building on the top floor. As I wait for the doctor to come in, I remember just staring out the window looking at the people below wishing that it was yesterday. ‘Why couldn’t I just be sick?’ I was physically calmer now so I decided to my best friend.
‘Hey, it’s me’
‘[Silence] Your lying’
‘I’m at the place now, they told me. I’m waiting for the doctor now.’
‘Oh my God, how do you feel? What are you going to do?’
The knock bring me out of the conversation as the doctor enters the room and I end the call. I can’t really explain it but she just looks at me and I break down again, only this time she hugs me and lets me cry on her shoulder. She starts talking to me about taking care of my self should I keep the baby. I just nodded to everything. My phone begins to vibrate, when I check it I notice that a phone call to my co-worker/friend is in process. I feel sick, I murmur a greeting and it confirmed. She just heard my entire conversation with the doctor. Three people know I’m pregnant and I haven’t made a decisions yet. The clinic felt so suffocating, I left with a prescription for prenatal vitamins burning in my back pocket and secret I needed to hide from my family.