What’s Different Now?

What’s Different Now?

Super Bowl Sunday! (I started writing this Sunday night) The only time I have seen non-sports fans and sports fans alike come together…that’s so cheesy. I’m not really into sports and what not but I must say I do enjoy a good Super Bowl party. So it’s weird to me when I find myself wondering why is this year so different. It takes me a second to realize that what’s different this year, my daughter.

This time last year I was about 6 months pregnant and trying to figure out what kind of mom I would be if I didn’t even like kids. My boyfriend and I had only been an official couple for about the same time as well. My pregnancy just kind fast forwarded our lives and we were just trying to catch up to it. You know, no one ever really says how long it’s takes for your mind to catch up with the reality of the situation. There is a little person on the way to intrude and shake up your daily routine and life. So there I was, this virtually unknown person entering into their home carrying their, niece, cousin, grandchild, and great grandchild. Needless to say I was terrified. I nearly peed myself (pretty sure it was the pregnancy) trying to work up the courage to ring the doorbell and meet these people. It was pretty awkward but not in a negative aspect. You see, I’m kind of a wall flower not in a super shy sense but more so to do with the fact that I get incredibly awkward and reclusive. It’s like because all my short life I have generally been very different from other people whether its from music, cloths, the way I talk I have just never been able to connect with people properly. So I stuck close to my boyfriend who was so absorbed in the game, I ate most of his food and he thought he ate it. All in all the anxiousness was in my head for the most part. I was received pretty well, especially by his grandmother. She is the sweetest, cutest, shortest, hypochondriac, whose approval mattered the most to me beside my boyfriend’s mom. As it stand now both our families seem to mesh pretty well together and I couldn’t be any more happier or grateful for that.

However, my point is that, now that my daughter is here certain events have changed. Things that I have basically been doing over and over for years, I must now change because I must integrate my daughter and my newfound mommy-hood*. It can honestly be a hassle sometimes but most of the times it’s wonderful. I’m still working on the social life aspect of this but I’ll get there…eventually.

Mommy-hood: a way of life. Everything you do, compels you to include your child(ren), whether you have to or not

My Life is Over [Part 2]

I sat in the waiting room for about and hour. I filled out the necessary form and was currently watching Toy Story for the second time. I toyed with my phone as a slew of thoughts went through my mind. ‘What the hell am I doing here? What if I am pregnant? Am I sick? Do I have cancer?’

I was just getting up to leave when a nurse called me in. She asked me why I was here then gave me a cup to fill. Some moment later after giving her the cup she asks me to come to another room. I panic, she assures me nothing is wrong and that a nurse is going to speak with me for information. The nurse came in and sat down with a chart.

N – ‘So why are you here today?’

ME – ‘I came in for a pregnancy test’

N – How old are you?

ME – 20

N –  Are you in school?

ME – Yes

N – Do you work?

ME – Yes

N – Do you want to be pregnant?

ME – No! That’s why I came here.

N – Well, your pregnant.

I stared at her, she stared back. I felt like she was judging me. Obviously this is a mistake, ‘do the test again.’  She assured me that the test are 100%. Like that made me feel better, I asked her once again to do the test. She walked over to a counter top littered with pregnancy tests and paper cups fill with urine. She picked up a dropper and dipped it into a cup with my name on it, then let a drop fall onto a fresh pregnancy test. I watched immediately as the liquid ran through the test leaving behind this glaring plus sign behind. My heart hammered in my chest, I felt my pulse in my ears as tears poured from my eyes. Large body shaking, hiccuping sob erupted from me. Vaguely I hear the nurse prattling off some information as I reach for my cell phone. My hand is shaking so badly I barely manage to unlock my phone and dial my boyfriend’s number. Hearing his voice I cry harder, trying to choke out something to say.

‘Hello?’

‘Babe?’

‘What’s wrong?

[Crying]

‘Babe, what’s wrong!?’

[Sobbing] ‘I’m pregnant’

[Sigh] ‘What do you wanna do?’

‘I don’t know’

The nurse interrupts my conversation to ask me when my last cycle was. I answer, in return she turns this wheel and tells me that I am approximately 6 weeks along. I just cry harder, she also asks me what I want to do. How the hell should I know? I just found out 5 minutes ago there was a baby in me and now you want to know how I would like to handle the situation? Please

She informs me that I only have a short number of weeks to take the pill that will cause me to miscarry; should I choose that method. Great, not only have I gotten life altering news but I have a deadline to choose if I want to continue on with this pregnancy or end with the lesser of two evils. The nurse brings me to another room where a doctor will see me shortly. Ugh, I have to get a paps-mere too?

The clinic is located inside a tall building on the top floor. As I wait for the doctor to come in, I remember just staring out the window looking at the people below wishing that it was yesterday. ‘Why couldn’t I just be sick?’ I was physically calmer now so I decided to my best friend.

‘Hello’

‘Hey, it’s me’

‘What’s up?’

‘I’m pregnant’

‘[Silence] Your lying’

‘I’m at the place now, they told me. I’m waiting for the doctor now.’

‘Oh my God, how do you feel? What are you going to do?’

‘I’m scared’

The knock bring me out of the conversation as the doctor enters the room and I end the call. I can’t really explain it but she just looks at me and I break down again, only this time she hugs me and lets me cry on her shoulder. She starts talking to me about taking care of my self should I keep the baby. I just nodded to everything. My phone begins to vibrate, when I check it I notice that a phone call to my co-worker/friend is in process. I feel sick, I murmur a greeting and it confirmed. She just heard my entire conversation with the doctor. Three people know I’m pregnant and I haven’t made a decisions yet. The clinic felt so suffocating, I left with a prescription for prenatal vitamins burning in my back pocket and secret I needed to hide from my family.

My Life is Over [Part 1]

This blog I feel is for those out there in the same if not a similar situation to mine. Being a new mother I of course wanted to do everything perfectly, and one of those thing was to constantly search for new information. In doing this I picked up on a lot of tid-bits…but I’ll get into that another time. The point is, I noticed that there wasn’t any information I could find that made me feel like someone was in the same situation as me, or that i could connect with someone with some in my age bracket. Granted, I know that there are people out there in worse situations, and if you are I hope this can help you at least a little bit.

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I found out i was pregnant on August 11, 2011, my younger sisters birthday. Some weeks before this, my menstrual cycle was kinda out of whack. When i got my period (at least tats what i thought it was at the time) i noticed that it would last for an hour max and the be over. Sometime these big clots would be the result of it followed with some serious abdomen pain. I have always had an irregular cycle so i didn’t think much of it, plus i had just started a new method of birth control. One night I was at the movies with my boyfriend and during the previews as a passing thought, he looked at me and said ” You sure your not pregnant?” I smacked him and laughed in his face. As if! I would never get pregnant, I hate the way pregnant people look and i don’t even like kids. That was the end of that conversation. After that i notice i had put on some pounds, mind you i am a plus sized girl. Clothes just weren’t fitting or hanging the way they usually would. I passed this off as love pounds.[The weight you gain when your in a relationship and are comfortable with the person.]

Fast forward: August 11, 2011

I went to work as usual, happy that i had a morning shift so i could get the hell out super early. I got a weird feeling in my belly, like I had to go to the bathroom but with a slight twinge of pain. When i went to the bathroom i was bleeding like i usually was for the past weeks but for some reason that day it made me feel odd. I felt scared and nervous. I immediately called my boyfriend only to have him ask if i was pregnant, and for me to take a test. I didn’t deny him like usual. Instead I called plan- parent hood to make and appointment. When you call to make an appointment they always ask you why your making the appointment, I told her about my bleeding and my clots and she to me there wasn’t an appointment available for the 26th of that month but “it should like you may be possibly having a miscarriage.” WHAT? I thanked her a called my boyfriend back. Now I’m twitchy, scared, nervous, and panicky. I felt blind-sided. Now, not only could I be pregnant but in the process of a miscarriage, I needed a time out. I took an early break to get my head together and to get rid of the ‘feelin like I’m gonna cry’ feeling. I called Plan Parenthood again to see if the were doing walk-ins and what time.